Apparently, many women welcome the existence of women-only houses for
two main purposes: Meeting for a women-only talk, and escaping an uncomfortable
situation (which may be uncomfortable because of the actions of a man;
but need not always even involve men). Women who seldom use such houses
personally, often support their existence for the benefit of other women
and-or for their own possible future use. As members of the same species,
men might well value men-only houses for analogous reasons.
However, while Women's Centres and Women's Shelters are fairly common
and the exclusion of men from them is normal, analogous men's facilities
are rare. If “Gender Equality” means what it seems to say,
there should be comparable facilities for men, (though the name “Men's
Shelter” isn't available for reasons of precedent: It has come
to refer to a supervised dwelling for addicts, the marginally competent,
and perhaps also the mentally-ill.1)
My own experiences over 20 years ago, and the experiences of friends
who have had hostile divorces or bullying wives2
more recently, convince me that there should be a men's organization
and men's house nearly anywhere in the modern and-or secular parts of
this planet, that ten thousand or more people live. Whether that need
be as great in numbers, as the comparable need among women, only time
and experience can tell: Quite imaginably, the need may be greater among
men than among women in some places, the same for both genders in some,
and greater among women than among men in still others.
Rather than study that need, i suggest preparing to meet it on a small
scale, one that is almost sure to be utilised. I happen to have a house
whose use i can donate for at least a few years. I can also donate materials
and part of the labour to put that house in better condition, plus lecturing
and writing skills, and sociological training and experience.
Because a friend who had planned to use the house on my smaller woodlot
for his home while conducting research3,
was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer before he could occupy it,
the house stands empty and i could donate its use for an initial Men's
Centre and Men's Refuge site. It needs some interior work to be comfortable,
for which work i would supply the materials required and help with the
labour. If a men's organization develops that wishes to keep the house
for many years, i could probably donate the property as well4.
I don't need refuge from harassment now, and don't expect to again;
but i would like to have the opportunity to meet with other men regularly
"to consider men's issues and concerns in [shall i call it 'gender
privacy'?]" I'd also like to see available to men going through
abuse, the same sort of refuge that Women's Shelters [sometimes called
Transition Houses] afford to women.
Refuge as Meeting-Place:
Most men, like most women, can name things we might prefer to talk
about among ourselves, absent the stares, raised eyebrows, or comments
of the opposite-sex. Sometimes mixed company can get in the way of figuring
out what we—not they—think of the changes that have happened
to gender-relations in the last few decades. Sometimes we may wish to
help boys go through adolescence without pressures from mothers or sisters
to “stay the cute little boy I've enjoyed so much”.
Most of the early Feminist colloquies took place in all-female company;
even today women go off to all-female settings to address subjects they
want to 'process' without our hearing them do so;—and as an old
saying puts it, “what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.”
So where can we speak freely? If women share our homes, it's not a good
idea either to tell them to get out, nor to carry on as if they didn't
hear.
Just as women's shelters or safe-houses become the sites for meetings
where women can express themselves free of the presence of men, a Men's
House belonging to no individual but to a men's-interest charitable
fellowship, could serve as a venue for the examination of men's concerns
free of pressure to be “nice” or “politically correct”.
Meeting Place activities might include:
Information Exchange and Education
e.g. Discussion of issues where men's and women's interests differ;
-- Becoming informed about, and perhaps developing strategies to address,
the needs of boys vis-a-vis a School Culture which may not always be
healthy for girls but is much harder on them;
– Sharing information on how to navigate separation and divorce
(women do this at Women's Houses; it would seem fair to afford men a
comparable opportunity); and simply,
– Developing fraternal alternatives to wasting our time on low-grade
“entertainment”.
Men-only Candid Space
where men can express ourselves free of the presence of women and the
“demand characteristics”5
their presence may entail, whether in a planned meeting or in quick
response to a situation that comes up.
Assembling and Convening Circles for Blessing:
From the well-known African maxim that “it takes a village to
raise a child” to the place of witnesses at baptism and marriage,
traditional human societies recognize the value of seeking blessing
for any truly important undertaking. It could be persuasively argued
that many modern evils, from high divorce rates to high rates of abuse
of the weak in personal relationships to the excesses of bureaucracy,
are in inherent conflict with any practice of seeking blessing; and
especially, of seeking blessing from a circle rather than a hierarchy.
Restoration of the practice of blessing might reduce those evils.
True blessing cannot be demanded; it can only be sought... or in other
words, that which must be given cannot be a blessing. The work of a
circle in deciding on a question of blessing, is serious and needs the
best circumstances practicable.
An effort once blessed, enjoys both witnesses who will testify to its
legitimacy and acceptance, and backers who will give, not necessarily
extreme effort for small troubles, but serious, moderate to strong,
sincere support if it is threatened by other than the ineptitude or
laziness of the principals.6
No important effort should go forward with less.
Disciplining miscreant men:
This has been pushed at men's groups by some Feminists, as their main
task; and by a few Feminists, as their one legitimate reason for existence.
That is false—but there are bad men as well as bad women and it
is in the interests of good men, that they be disciplined or at least
called-to-account.
Helping Boys
with “apprenticeship in the customs of grown men”, skills
apprenticeship [and perhaps some formal schooling in small time blocks],
advice from experience on practical and interpersonal problems, and
the blessing implicit in giving them extended time and attention.
There are many boys today who have no father or even uncle living with
them from whom to learn men's ways; and no one man should be solely
responsible for showing a boy or boys the ways of grown men. We're more
diverse than that; and having five sons myself, i can say from experience
that different boys will want and benefit from different men's ways
(and few boys are even 90% the same as their fathers, so most boys will
benefit from having more than one man to learn from.)
Nothing i've written above is meant to disvalue the function of a House
of Refuge as a place for men and boys to reside for days or weeks when
need arises. It is meant to say that refuge for an hour, a day, a weekend,
a few days, for the purpose of colloquy rather than to escape harassment,
is a valuable and valid kind of refuge, also.
Refuge as temporary home:
Whether “the need for a safe place to get away to for a while”
be as great among men as among women, is something we can only learn
when such refuges are equally available to both genders (if then7).
It is apparent from informal inquiries that there is some need among
men; and while “women's shelters” provide a “safe
place to get away to for a while” in quite many localities, many
of those localities, including in Northern New Brunswick, lack parallel
refuges for men.
One used to read claims that domestic violence and harassment were
under-reported. As shelters for abused women became available, more
was reported. It would be naïve to conclude that more women were
harassed after shelter or refuge houses became available to them, than
before; the usual “understanding” is that people do not
complain as much of problems which have scant hope of solution; and
when some remedy becomes visible, people who can benefit from it show
themselves. Sometimes one might even question the reason for taking
refuge, but allow the act in the name of personal freedom.8
This proposal began with the awareness, “around the turn of the
century”, that a friend, an almost saintly man, ought to have
somewhere that he could go with his small sons when his wife began bullying
him. It was revisited when i realized i might offer a house i own and
do not occupy for such a "Men's Refuge House".
Whether a men's house should have a resident caretaker or not, it is
not intended that it have a resident “shrink” nor “guard”.
Refuge is for basically competent men experiencing situational stress,
and sometimes for their children (while the term “men's shelter”
has come to refer to a place for those whose competence is in doubt,
or known to be inadequate.—and frankly, i prefer the word Refuge.)
Reasons for Taking Refuge might include:
Harassment in a relationship
may impel either gender to seek respite; and in folk wisdom, nagging
is a woman's rather than a man's weapon9.
In other words, women are more likely than men to harass nonviolently
simply to get what they want. Respite from nagging, or other harassment,
is something both men and women may sometimes need and deserve.
Imaginably, a man may wish to decline the sexual advances of a woman,
or a homosexual man, and if they do not stop, a refuge from them may
prove important.
There are drunks and drug-abusers of both genders. A man, just as validly
as a woman, might see fit to “get away” and take the children
if any, if his spouse is getting drunk or stoned. There are violent
women; in a BC Anglican church, i heard a woman say with satisfaction
that she had threatened her husband that she would murder him—using
a cast-iron frying pan while he slept.
Battering
is not usually listed as a problem for men; but the idea that men
never, or vanishingly seldom suffer violent abuse is nonsense: While
"battered straight men" are often treated as oddities, there
are at least three ways men can suffer battering from women. If a woman
is violent and her male companion is slightly to moderately stronger
but does not fight back, he may well be battered even though he could
potentially defend himself.
Some men find themselves weaker than women with whom they live, due
to illness, injury, or even basic lesser physical strength. They can
be battered simply because they are weaker10.
When a man and woman are of about equal strength, the man's inhibition
against fighting women is likely to be greater than the woman's inhibition
against fighting men; and so very likely the man will more often be
the one who is battered. (A much stronger man may be able to defend
himself with force that is not violent; a man of roughly equal strength
isn't likely to be able to do that.)
Sexual, psychological, and violent abuse of boys
is not unknown nor extremely rare. A boy should be able to take refuge
even from his mother, and also from teachers, older sibling bullies
of both sexes, and any other abusers. I would suggest that refuge could
be extended to boys of an age to be allowed to live “by themselves”
if they ask for it, as well as to boys brought for refuge by a father,
uncle, grandparent, or leader (pastor, Scoutmaster, teacher, etc.)
Getting Organized:
I believe a successful Men's [Fellowship, Resource Society, or whatever
name might finally be chosen] can best begin as what sociologists call
“a primary group”--one made up of men who become acquainted
with one another's interests and quirks, and that can therefore
self-govern largely by going with human nature11.
Some formal organization will probably be required for legal recognition
and eventually for tax benefits and possible subvention; but this
should be more in the way of dealing with the larger society than for
operating among ourselves.
I expect to be an active member of the primary group initially and
i feel willing to remain active for a decade or longer. I am willing
to be a visible leader at the start; but do not feel i need to remain
at the top as other highly interested men join the group. I think of
myself as an Elder or Old Philosopher who also has some useful manual-labour
[and writing, and speaking] skills to contribute.
To begin turning an empty house into a Refuge for gatherings and for
stays of days or weeks when there is need; i believe there should be
at least three men willing to do some work on the house together, and
at least three men willing to say we are “forming a Men's [...]
and preparing a House of Refuge”. Whether they are the same three
men does not seem very important to me.
To organize formally, i believe there should be at least five men willing
to be founders, though i would not refuse to incorporate with four or
even three if the law so allows.
Membership should be open to interested men and to women supportive
of the value of a Refuge. As a practical matter, a majority of members
should be men, (which i expect will happen naturally); and women members
should be willing to respect men-only get-togethers that are not for
organizational business decisions but for exchanging ideas, feelings,
and stories (as most Women's organizations have women-only get-togethers.)
If and when the “core group” that is most active in the
maintenance and operation of the Refuge and in men's-welfare activities
more generally, grows past 20 or so, more-formal organization may be
required. It is probably not worth while to try to specify closely,
when or at what size that will be “due”; since the amount
of time the group spends together, and what we do together, will have
a strong influence on how many can still work largely as a “primary
group”.
Funding the Costs:
While i have a house, the use of which i can donate, i am not undertaking
to pay all the costs of maintaining it as an effective, continually
available Refuge. For catch-up maintenance, i can provide at least the
first batch of materials; of operating costs, such as telephone, heat,
and perhaps “cable”, only a share.
